I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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