i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
