My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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