Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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