that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
