but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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