For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
