Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
