Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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