I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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