The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You may now shotgun with the bride
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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