My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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