He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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