Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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