Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
