my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
