you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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