i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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