Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
