They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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