my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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