dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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