I hate your face
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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