i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
