i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
