I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
