i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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