mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
