If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
