Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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