Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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