dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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