my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
