Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
His hands were made for my vagina.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
