Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
