I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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