Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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