This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
