$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The uberlube is also flammable
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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