i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Randomize
