i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
