She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
