Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
