My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize