fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize