The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
