Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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