my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
