checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
