twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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