Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
