I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
that may or may not have been my penis.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
