I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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