My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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