like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
