They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
