FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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