Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
