He is an equal opportunity slut.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
