I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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