I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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