I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
