you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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