I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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