How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
